I've mentioned previously of how things have been in my personal life regarding my job status and where I'm at with things. Only now have I really sat down and thought about how all of the events of this past year has affected my mental health. I never really talk about things this personal, but I think its come to a point where I need to.
Right now I feel useless, tired, frustrated, paranoid, and honestly, just sad.
The reasons for feeling this way I would narrow down to not being in full-time employment. I have far too much time on my hands, where days blur into one another, sometimes productive, but often I feel like I've accomplished nothing. Applying for jobs in itself feels like a full-time occupation. Application after application of trying to big myself up and make me sound like the perfect candidate, while I'm sat here feeling about as useful as a pair of glasses prescribed for a man with one ear. I really am trying my best and I get so excited when I manage to get an interview, but I then end up to only be told someone else has more experience than me.
The monetary issues that come with this too trouble me. I'm relying on my fiancé to pay for our house and utilities, and I can only afford to pay for the food shopping and scrub the house top to bottom, and make sure the washing basket doesn't overflow. It feels horrendous, living in my own home and not feeling like I contribute enough.
This then rolls into becoming paranoid that my fiancé is angry and fed up with me. It's not healthy in a relationship to be constantly questioning their love, support, and wondering if they're thinking of leaving me. It sounds irrational and ridiculous. To me though its scary, and as much as he reassures me of everything there's that horrible voice inside my head making me doubt it all. I'm incredibly lucky to be with someone so nurturing and understanding, I really am.
It isn't just the lack of occupation and money troubles that are debilitating. It's the anxiety I have when I'm about to step out the door to go food shopping, or topping up the electricity key at the convenience store that's literally at the top of my road. Just to name two things I find often impossible to do. I purposely get myself up and dressed ready to go to the shops for 8am, so I can whizz around the aisles and get out as soon as I possibly can.
On the flip side I get cabin fever for not going out for more than a day. I try to visit my parents in a neighbouring town once a week, but if we don't make plans to do that because they're busy then sadly, I don't have much to look forward to. I lost touch with friends when I moved to London (in some cases it wasn't my doing) and the friends I made in London, I now see very rarely.
Getting up for work on a Monday isn't hard anymore because its the one day where I'm working and around other people that aren't my cat or partner. I look forward to spending those nine hours being amongst others, when before I couldn't get away from work quick enough.
It's easy to put a smile on my face and have a 'keep calm and carry on' and a 'crack on' attitude about things, but there's only so much of a façade you can manage before it all unpicks itself. I'm not at breaking point right now, and yes I'm trying to keep things under wraps, but I'm not certain of how much longer I can take all of this. I'm wishing for a lucky break, to finally be back in full-time work and moving on with the rest of the world. Right now it feels like I won't reach the end of the tunnel.
There's no way of finishing this post other than to just leave it, so.
E
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